Not the Right Fit!

I wanted to give another chance, another reason to still wear it. I had thousand explanations why I should keep it, but I only had one reason to toss it: I AM NOT HAPPY!  Fair. Enough.

I’m. DONE.

So I have decided to leave and to give my feet another chance to be at peace.

I am. FREE.

Like those times I decide on a whim, I always have one backup plan: No. turning . back.

This is it!

I know sadness and tears might hit me (again), but I am much confident now.

For the friendships gained…

For the battle started and ended (has it really ended?!)…

And for the times I have tried hard enough…

Thank God this is OVER!

The Bad, the Bitch and that Shoe

They are living with the famous line: “Make your friends close and your enemies closer!”

The first time they met, they both knew, they will compete not in a fighting way but in an unspoken way, where the one who shows emotion loses. So they both have this conflict in their hearts and announced silently in themselves that the shoe war is on!

She was born with an intoxicated blood.  Demanding and ruthless.  She sees no one as long as it’s for her own good. With everything she has been through and how life treated her, she condemns those who come her way. And she has the power.  She is Mrs. Bad.

On the other ring is the one who was made to joust. Trained to be wild at times and gives way to the crowd. She always fights for what she believes is hers. Just hers. She is selfish and she fights unevenly.  This is her game. She makes this game.  She is Miss Bitch.

The two started to be friends, like real friends. They go out together and even share stories. They keep each other company and work together. But they both knew this is for the big scrap. They are fighting over that shoe. Whoever foot fits.  It is dangerous and strenuous.

But this too will end, until one will soon say: “I’m tired and I’m done.”  And this game is over.

Miss Bitch suddenly feels that everything seems off beam.  She suddenly has this guilt. She just wants to put an end and start again. Leave everything behind and work on her own. Not minding what’s around, just by herself. She wants to be at peace, because this bitch has a heart.

On the other hand, Mrs. Bad remains fearless and proclaims victory. She knows that this is her throne and no one has to step in. She plays the game well and manipulates the war.

So Miss Bitch was provoked and gave in once again. She once again declared clash in their little battlefield. Thinking of new plans, she quietly uttered: “Bring it on! I will fight you (in my red stiletto) until you ask me to stop!”

But you have to know, Miss Bitch doesn’t play fair, and oh, she never stops praying for her dear frienemy.

Falling in Heels.

I have to admit, relationship is always the best topic to talk and write about. If there’s one thing I will be much interested to know, it’s the story behind each bond. But there’s one thing that remains to be in hall of fame (or shame) in any friends’ night out or girl power bonding or colleagues gossiping - BREAK UP.

Break up is like falling in heels. From your easy, perfect and almost model-like catwalk- you suddenly miss a step and fall. Fall hard that almost break your foot.  And while you try to get up and balance from that throbbing slip, you ask yourself: “How will I ever walk again?”

There are tons of good advices, to-dos and tips on how to move on from excruciating ending. I remember even buying break-up books and reading every break up article in Cosmopolitan magazine religiously just to cope up with the painful process. But one thing I have learned from every heartbreaking tale- it doesn’t matter how long you move on, it’s how you deal with it. Sadness and bitterness are your best buddies, but eventually, they will just fade away. And tears will be at peace again.

Everyone deserves to stand from a bad fall. To once again reclaim that confidence lost. To once again believe that there will be much better walk. Easier. Lovelier. Nobody should be condemned for being in pain. And any way of getting over it should be understood. Break up sucks big time, but the story behind it should be respected. Because no one ever wanted to stumble and fall.

When I was asked by someone who is going through a painful breakup: “How did you move on?”

 I didn’t know what to say. I guess, you won’t ever know. You will just feel and discern that you’ve gone through a bad fall but you try to stand and walk like you have never been before.

A Wedge to Remember

It was really not an untold story. I remember writing about it long time ago. (when my blog used to be in Multiply.)

It was a pair that makes me smile everytime I remember. Makes me evoke the good times. And then I suddenly forgot about it as time passed by. This wedge was never included in those broken pairs. Its comfort used to be different. It was real yet it seemed impossible to attain. Its story makes me remember that during those drastic walk, this pair came and gave me a different ease.

I have to admit, I did wait for it to come back. To imagine how it’s like to have it. How it’s like to walk in it. But it never happened. It just didn’t happen.

Then I met this pair again. And those smiles reminded me of those times when it did really make a difference. When I used to be happy just walking in it. Without reservations. Without expectations.

We are still happy. And the relief I find in it is still the same.

And to both of us, we wish happiness in separate ways!

Because it will always be that pair which never depicts bitterness. And like how we first met, it made me smile again and feel that composure. I somehow asked: What if? But that was only for a time before I realized:

It’s DONE. It’s enough that we crossed paths again and reminisce those good times. Like we said and accepted in ourselves, WE WERE NEVER MEANT TO BE.

Then I went back to my Mr. Shoe who is destined for that walk of forever, and without any doubt, I told myself: this is still and will always be the pair meant for me.

And this wedge will just be something to remember.

Shoe Love is True Love.

For almost a month, I have been praying every day and night to let me feel and discern the right thing to do. I was staggered that there was a certain part of me that was suddenly not sure of my happy ending. When you’re in pain, it seems to be the right time to self-assess as well, which is a good way to do. Believe me, I did.

I cannot deny that there are still days I still feel the pain and betrayal. There are still times I couldn’t help but feel sad. But I knew in my heart, there is this part that never wanted me to just give up. Because no one can ever stop me from my happy ending. Or maybe, that pain was not even close to the happiness I had and I know I will still have.

I prayed to feel that certainty again. To feel that same emotion I had from the start; that excitement; that confidence that this is really happening. I have to admit, I was terrified that I just didn’t feel it anymore. And it almost broke me. Broke us. Behind my smiles and laughter, I knew the evil side of me was pushing me to walk away or to declare my sweet revenge. I was so close to it, but there was one thing that kept me going, just going- LOVE. Because it never fades, it NEVER should!

No pair ever promises of a walk to heaven. Every heel bites in some way. But still, I have to stand and walk and once again believe.  Cliché as it may sound, time will heal my once bruised foot and time will also dictate when is the moment to forget.  For now, I will love more. Love each sole. Each story. Because my shoe love is true love. Love until I bestow that trust again and patch the crack of my broken shoe.

Cinderella asks for a SIGN.

She knows she can forgive her broken shoe, but it saddens her that it kills her to forget.

Because she remembers every single detail, every single line that almost crash her happy ending.

And she worries every single day that one miss step and it will totally shatter.

Her love for its sole is never a question but she knows one thing beyond repair and now sitting still in one corner of her vision- her trust.

Dear broken shoe,

Help me to forget.

Because it still hurts.

Because there are still days that I doubt on you and there are still times that I ask:

“Am I doing the right thing?”

Because I need to clinch everything until it all sweeps away.

Let me see that genuine glass again like before and once again believe.

Let me witness that sign I asked, to assure me that yes, it is me and like what you promised- it will be worth it.

And when that day comes that I will put you on my foot, I will be confident again to stand and walk and say to myself: 

“This is the perfect pair I’ve been waiting to wear!”

Love,

Cinderella

Favorite Mistake

That feeling like there’s fire inside my chest.

That crazy sound in my head that I just want to scream.

That bad hair day that turns out to be i-feel-so-fat-and-bloated day as well.

That effort of fighting back those tears that I know eventually will fall down and will be on my top list of embarrassing moments.

That pain and bitterness.

And yes, that was all YOU.

Then one day, I got tired feeling all these. I entered into this place where I felt a sudden difference.

A friendly lady asked me to try it on and said: “Ma’am it looks perfect on you!”

Then I had that confidence again. That feeling that I belong. That I can stand tall and tower over YOU. Over anyone else. And it feels good. Hell no, it feels absolutely great!!!

Then I bought that pair. And another one. Another one again to feel much better. And more to never have that same feeling of sadness. Until I noticed and realized, I am obsessed to each pair. Each story. Because everytime I try a new one, that sting fades away.

And that’s how it all started.

Now who’s a shoe addict? I’m not!

Because each pair I own has a story to say and it justifies my favorite mistake.

YOU.

               

Cinderella’s Broken Shoe

She was on her way to happy ending and ready to put on that pair with a promise of forever, when she noticed that crack on her polished glass shoe. 

She has been aware of that tiny line that once threatened her shoe to break but she chose not to mind it.  Because she was holding on to one thing- her TRUST.

She suddenly had worries trying it on, afraid it may not fit anymore or that crack might wound her once bruised feet. 

She doubted if this will still be the fairytale she has ever dream of.

Afraid if this is still the same pair she has been waiting to wear for the rest of her life.

She tried to hide it and just let it pass, but it reminded her of that fear she once had.

She remembered that feeling;

That kick in her stomach that wanted her to throw up;

That stoned shape thing inside her heart;

That stillness in her spine.

She remembered  exactly what this is.

She remembered pain.

Then she realized: it is not just a memory, it is real.

And it hurts. It fuckin hurts!

Cinderella looked at her broken shoe and prayed:

If this is still worth it, so be it. :(

“Trust is like a broken heel, you can still fix it.. but it will never look the same.”

Karma is a Bitch!

Like I have absorbed it, it was really NOT a big deal. Not at all!   

Or it’s just how I wanted to deal with it.

But that made me realize that when you were once a BITCH, Karma really knows how to get back to you.

In. Real. Time.

 It will haunt you. No miss.

I wanted to blame it to those pairs I tried on while finding my Mr. Perfect Fit.

Finding the right shoe led me to jagged roads.

I couldn’t blame myself for mistakenly putting on different pairs as I was trying to find that one perfect fit.

It was tough.

It was a mess.

And now, it is painful.

Painful that I just wanted to go back to how I started.

I wanted to put the blame to myself. I should not have been deceived by those shoes. I should have been more careful when putting them on.

But I just have to accept, it’s done and over!

I am on to my next challenge.

Those rusty filthy shoes just made my feet stronger.

Made me get used of wearing even higher heels, may it be running or jumping on them.

Dare. Me.

Nothing can stop me from being happy.  Because that’s what I deserve.

Yes, my Karma is a bitch, but I will always be bitchier!  (and you just have to watch me- over and over!)

Life and Shoe Choices

Life as I look at it is like finding the right pair of shoes.  It’s like trying on different styles and fitting on different sizes.

In the end, what matters is what your heart feels about it and how you stride on it. 

How many times do we need to stumble just because the fit is not right?

How many times do we have to get over those old shoes? Let go and move on to the next?

And nobody dares to say that it is but easy.

But just like looking for shoes, we always have our choices.

Same with the choices I make in life, I have each pair to justify it.

I play favorites too, like those that I never miss to wear from time to time. Same with the people I value and care about.

 I toss shoes that suck too. Like those old and tight shoes that hurt my feet. Cheap shoes are easy to go with but they are the easiest to throw. 

Wearing heels has been hell at times, but there are always flats shoes to save my feet. As I am being saved by my loved ones in tough times.

Sometimes I am left with a pair that just doesn’t fit. It’s hard to let go but I am on to the one available. With much better size and comfort.

There are those I dream about of having. Those I have been working hard to afford.

And of course, there are pairs that are worth keeping no matter how old they are for their memories and stories.

Like Cinderella, I’ve been dreaming of that one perfect fit as well and I am more than lucky to have it.

I realized, life choices are like my shoe preferences.  

At the end of each shoe challenge is a beautiful beginning.